What to Do When You’re ‘Fine’ but Not Okay: aka when you’re feeling numb

What to Do When You’re ‘Fine’ but Not Okay

I’ve noticed something about the word “fine.” It rolls off our tongues so easily, almost like a reflex—automatic, unremarkable. It’s a comfortable shield we raise when we’re not ready to look too closely at what’s happening underneath. “I’m fine” might as well be code for, “Let’s not go there.” But sometimes, “I’m fine” is more than just a social buffe. It’s a red flag, a signal that our inner world is more complex than the word suggests. And often, for those who are high-achieving or deeply empathetic, “fine” is less of a temperature check and more of a defense mechanism. One that can signal a quiet descent into burnout.

When “I’m Fine” Is Just Code for “I’m Numb”: Recognizing the Signs of Emotional Burnout and Disconnection

As someone who has worked in high-stress environments, I’ve seen both ends of the burnout spectrum. The type that crashes down like a wave, and the one that seeps in quietly, like fog settling over your life. The quiet kind often slips in under the guise of “I’m fine.” It happens when we’ve learned to tolerate discomfort or emotional overload without really processing it. We convince ourselves that everything is okay because we’ve grown accustomed to coping, to being functional. Even while feeling drained or disconnected. Sometimes, “fine” becomes the placeholder that allows us to avoid our own truths.

What to Do When You’re ‘Fine’ but Not Okay

If you’ve ever found yourself saying “I’m fine” but feeling a hollow ring echoing back, you’re not alone. In fact, this experience is quite common, especially among those who take pride in their resilience and ability to “push through.” The trouble is that sometimes, that resilience looks like numbness. We’re no longer engaging with life so much as going through the motions, like we’re living behind a layer of glass that mutes everything we feel. We can easily mistake this for being “fine,” when really, we’re quietly disconnecting from ourselves.

So how do we tell when “I’m fine” is actually code for “I’m numb?”. Here are some things to consider and ways to gently challenge that feeling of “fine” to see what’s really going on beneath the surface.

Step 1: Start by Noticing the Pattern

One of the best ways to spot when “I’m fine” is actually “I’m numb” is to notice how often you use it. If you’re regularly brushing off concerns, sidestepping conversations about your well-being, or answering “How are you?” with “fine” even when the question comes from people who genuinely care, it’s worth pausing. Patterns speak volumes. When “fine” becomes the default, it’s often a signal that something deeper needs attention.

I’ve seen this firsthand in my own life and with clients who, like me, work in roles that demand emotional resilience. For example, when I was working in the ICU, “fine” became a way to keep going when I felt like I didn’t have the luxury to acknowledge what was really happening inside. It felt easier, safer even, to push my feelings aside. But those feelings didn’t disappear; they just piled up. Over time, “fine” became the mask I wore, and eventually, I started to lose touch with what was real for me. I was functional, but I wasn’t connected—not to myself, and not fully to the people around me.

Step 2: Check for Signs of Emotional Exhaustion or Physical Numbness

One of the most telling signs of burnout-related numbness is a kind of emotional exhaustion that’s hard to pinpoint. If you’re finding that even things you used to care deeply about feel like a chore, it’s worth asking whether “I’m fine” is actually masking something else. Numbness often starts as a protective mechanism, a way to avoid the uncomfortable feelings we can’t handle in the moment. But if it goes unacknowledged, it can spread, dulling our reactions to everything—both the good and the bad.

Physical signs can also be a big indicator. Do you feel lethargic, physically heavy, or disconnected from your body? Often, numbness doesn’t just live in our minds; it shows up in our bodies, too. When we’re disconnected emotionally, our bodies can feel disconnected as well. Lethargic, tense, or even strangely painless, like we’re not fully inhabiting ourselves.

Take a moment to check in with yourself physically. Sometimes, just noticing the way we’re carrying ourselves or the tension in our bodies can reveal truths we’ve been trying to ignore. When I’m “fine” but really numb, I notice my jaw is often clenched, and my body feels braced. Like it’s waiting for the next hit. By checking in with your body, you might catch clues that your mind is skimming over.

Step 3: Gently Challenge Your “Fine”

If you’re beginning to suspect that “I’m fine” might be a form of self-protection, try gently challenging that assumption. What if “fine” is really “I’m too tired to explain,” or “I don’t want to be a burden,” or even “I don’t know how I feel, so I’ll just say I’m fine”?

Exploring that can be tricky, especially if you’re used to operating on autopilot. But just getting curious about “fine” can be a first step toward reconnecting with yourself. Ask yourself questions like:

• When was the last time I felt truly engaged or excited?
• Is there anything in my life that feels unbalanced or overwhelming?
• How do I feel when I think about doing something restful versus something productive?
• Do I feel like I’m taking care of my own needs, or am I just keeping up with responsibilities?

You don’t need to have the answers right away. Even just asking can bring a new level of awareness to the quiet signals we often miss.

Step 4: Take Small Steps Toward Feeling Again

If you recognize that “I’m fine” is just a surface-level response, start by taking small steps toward feeling more. You don’t have to dive into the deep end of your emotions. Sometimes, a gentle approach is exactly what we need. Engage in activities that encourage reconnection.

For example, moving your body with intention. Whether it’s through yoga, stretching, or even walking slowly—can help bring you back into yourself. Mindful practices that incorporate breathwork or grounding exercises can also be wonderful tools. These practices can help us feel safe enough to lower our defenses and reconnect to the emotions we’ve been holding at bay.

In my own life, I’ve found that intentionally creating space to feel. Whether through journaling, yoga, or simply allowing myself to sit in silence—can open up the door to emotions I didn’t even realize were there. It’s not always comfortable, but it’s a step toward reconnecting with the parts of me that “fine” tried to cover up.

Step 5: Give Yourself Permission to Be “Not Fine”

Here’s the thing about “I’m fine”: it’s often easier than saying, “I’m struggling.” But there’s freedom in allowing ourselves to be “not fine,” to be honest about where we’re at—even if it’s just with ourselves at first. Often, the scariest part about letting go of “fine” is the fear that if we admit we’re not okay. It will somehow make everything feel worse. But in my experience, the opposite is true. When we allow ourselves to name our true feelings, we make room for the support, compassion, and care we actually need.

If you’re feeling disconnected, take this as a gentle invitation to explore what might lie beneath “fine.” Are there moments where numbness has crept in? Is there a feeling or an unmet need that you’ve been avoiding? Giving yourself permission to be “not fine” is a courageous act, one that can ultimately lead you to a more genuine connection with yourself and those around you.

Recognizing that “fine” might mean “numb” doesn’t mean you’re broken or failing. It simply means you’re human. If this resonates with you, consider it a sign that you’re ready for a small course correction—one that can bring a sense of clarity and connection back into your life, one gentle step at a time.

There’s no need to overhaul everything at once; instead, focus on re-engaging with the little things that make you feel alive. Because you deserve more than “fine.” You deserve a life where you’re fully here, present, and connected to yourself in every way.